Lisa’s Weekly Random Thought

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Anyone who has listened to me on Howard Stern or has seen my latest stand-up special, "Long Live the Queen," knows I had taken a year off from dating so that I could finally start attracting men who are my equal. A great by-product of spending a year on my own is that I no longer am afraid to be single, so therefore, I am a bit more – how shall I put this? – choosy about the men I date.

Below is a fan letter from a gentleman, let's call him Ron, doing what he THINKS is asking me out. His attached picture was GORGEOUS and a year ago, I may have jumped at the chance to meet him. Now, due to my better self-esteem and newfound courage to say "no" – well, read my response to him. And you tell me if I haven't changed.

From: RonInNYC
Subject: (No subject)

Hey lisa hi im ron love ur shows find u very very funny and kinda cute hmmm lol love to talk iwth u if possible feel free to contact me i wont bite unless u ask nicely ha but if ever in nyc lets hang out xoxo ron oh yeah im the guy in the middle

To: RonInNYC
Subject: You

Hey, Ron,

Got your e-mail and wanted to get back to you. You're obviously a fan of mine and a very handsome gentleman, but just wanted to give you some feedback on how to approach a woman of quality like myself:

1) First of all, Ron, love that you find me "very very funny." You leading with a compliment is a good thing. As you know, women eat that shit up!

2) Secondly, you state you find me "kinda cute." Hmmm. "Kinda cute"? Didn't you mean to say "Hot"? "Sexy?" "Voluptuous?" No? What about "Attractive"? Any of the above would've been fine -- of course, without the "kinda." Hell, I woulda thought it was "kinda cute" if you said I was "Cute." But the "kinda"? That makes me wanna spin again! Huge turnoff. If you're gonna give me a compliment, give me a real one. If you don't want to give me a compliment in a certain area, don't even bring the area up.

3) You say you'd "love to talk with me." THAT, I like. I love to talk via email or over the phone with nice chocolate daddies like yourself, and would be pleased to make your acquaintance in that manner. So, before you decide if you'd like to answer this, please put plenty of prepaid minutes on your cell phone and get ready to talk -- and by "talk," I mean "talk" and not "text." I only text in emergencies. I TALK to guys I want to get to know better. Phone contact helps avoid the emotional walls put up by texting and lets a person get to know someone better by actually hearing the other person's voice.

4) Congratulations, Ron! You get mucho points for "I won't bite unless you ask nicely." Although I've heard this before, I still find it sexy and look forward to being bitten if things should work out. Great way to flirt without being overtly sexual. That overtly sexual bullshit is a HUGE turnoff for someone in my position. So, you're a clear winner here.

5) Regarding your picture, all men should learn from you. Always surround yourself when taking a photo by less attractive men. That way, when looking at the photo, a woman will say, "Please let him be the guy in the middle," and will sigh with relief when they read that indeed the guy in the middle is you. Keep those friends of yours around -- you smoke them out of the water!

6) One last bit of advice: "Let's hang out" isn't asking me on a date. I don't "hang out" with men. I "go out" with them. So if you'd like to take me on a proper date -- and IF you don't have a significant other -- you can ask me nicely to go out with you after we've conversed a bit. "Hanging out" is something you do with your buddies or ho's you're not serious about -- and I'm not interested in being either.

Oh, and just to help you out, here is the English translation of the message you sent me. Trust me: educated white women LOVE them some punctuation and capitalization.

Hey Lisa!

Hi. I'm Ron. I love your shows and I find you very, very funny and smokin' hot! Hmmm . . .

I'd love to talk with you, if possible. Feel free to contact me -- I won't bite unless you ask nicely! And if you're ever in New York City, let's go out. I'd love to take you out on the town.


P.S. Oh yeah, I'm the guy in the middle.

Well, Ron, hope you've learned something from my note. If you're still interested in corresponding, you can e-mail me at this address. I find you very cute -- handsome, even -- and I hope you read this with a sense of humor and sense of understanding. Either way, I wish you nothing but the best!

Lisa L.


Blogger Lady Sarcasm said...

That is funnier then hell right there! Way to go doll. :)

March 26, 2009 at 7:51 AM 
Blogger Robbie said...

Lisa, this doesn't relate, I was and currently am still watching your "take it like a man" special on comedy central. It's hilarious and I just wanted to comment ok how you said kids loved you. They totally do! I've enjoyed all of your stuff since I was 12 and now I'm 14. I convinced my mom to let me go see you and I can't wait until you're in Minneapolis! If you need someone to make fun of, I'll do it, and "take it like a man."

March 27, 2009 at 11:11 PM 
Blogger Carrie Roseman said...

Holdin' it down for the single ladies! Awesome, Lisa. Men should take classes on how to exude class...ummm, and normalcy when approaching women. Cheers to you for setting one straight. As a single, attractive, funny, intelligent woman myself, I have a hard time trying to locate one who can keep up with me in any capacity. And that's fine! Congrats to you for figuring that out as well.

April 24, 2009 at 5:53 AM 
Blogger DALE said...

That was effin awesome! Im a new fan and OMG I am in love... I love the fag jokes.. I am, as you put it a hershy highway patrolman, ass pirate, homosexual! You rock.. and your reply to this email from "Ron" was awesome!

June 27, 2009 at 9:19 AM 
Blogger Taylor De La Ossa said...

I'm very happy for you, Lisa.
As someone who suffered from the same curse of low self-esteem/fear of being single, it's truly awesome to see that one of my idols (yes, idol. I am an aspiring comic, so what can you expect, really) realized her true worth.
You are an amazing person, you inspire laughter in millions of people. And not to mention, you have lost weight and look FANTASTIC.
You truly deserve nothing but the best, and I'm glad to see that you are a strong enough woman to say no, even when a smokin' hot brother (brotha'?) offers to nibble on you.

August 12, 2009 at 7:59 AM 
Blogger Vallin said...

I, of course, am an honour grad with perfect English skills. And I'm buff!

October 6, 2009 at 4:43 PM 
Blogger Jenny said...

LoL men are such pigs.

January 8, 2010 at 10:21 PM 
Blogger big_man_16_1999 said...

In response to Dale, I must say I am the same "Hershey Highway Patrolman". As for you Miss LL, I must say you are my freaggin idol. I will always tend to a website to find out anything about you just for a good laugh or when I am down I must find LL online to have a good ole laugh to better my spirits. Got to say I love how you set this guy "Str8". I once also had self esteem problems as I am a big white gay guy, and YUP all the Brothas want this ass also !!!

March 23, 2010 at 8:23 PM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol, that was so funny.

May 7, 2010 at 11:45 PM 
Blogger Valerie said...

your comedy is stupid.

August 14, 2010 at 7:23 PM 
Blogger Scott said...

I find your comedy humorless. You're uglier than sin and wonder why the Wisconsin Dells would ever consider booking you for a show when it is supposed to be a family resort. YOu are the antithesis of good family entertainment.

I couldn't think of a better way to insult you without using the usual expletives you use so to tell you you aren't funny is about as insulting as I can get.

August 15, 2010 at 4:17 PM 
Blogger BrunetteCoffee said...

Scott - if you're going to call someone as talented as Lisa "uglier than sin," I suggest you not include a photo of yourself along with your comments. The fact that you list "Passion of the Christ" by that Christless TRUE racist Mel Gibson as a favorite film says a lot about you & what you consider "family entertainment."

Lisa - great response to "Ron." Has someone been reading "The Rules"? Can't wait to see you live when you perform in my area.

September 3, 2010 at 3:11 PM 
Blogger aims said...

it's funny that the comment uglier than sin came from the user 'scott' who was brave enough to put up his picture.. touche scott.. balls of steel buddy.

i heart you lisa lampanelli and while i won't hit on you because i don't swing that way i will say i just bought tickets to your pdx show and i too have your sense of humor... and i don't think your ugly as sin... :)
and i love your humor.. so scott can suck my ass. :)

September 21, 2010 at 1:27 PM 
Blogger MassFoodie said...


I loved your reply to Ron. My favorite was the remark about "Trust me: educated white women LOVE them some punctuation and capitalization."

Keep up the fabulous work!

Nancy C.

December 15, 2010 at 9:51 PM 

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