Lisa’s Weekly Random Thought

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Hi Loyal Subjects! This week is Spring Break, and my thoughts went once again back to my college days, and the most significant event of my freshman year: The Freshman 15. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read on. And if you do, read anyway.

Contrary to popular belief, the Freshman 15 is not the amount of dicks a girl has to suck to get into a sorority. The Freshman 15 is the 15 pounds of fat a coed puts on her ass and thighs during her first year of college.

This Freshman 15 is caused by the student's biological inability to process alcohol by the gallon, and by her steady diet of crap. Considering that the healthiest foods in college are Hot Pockets and Ramen noodles, the weight gain is no surprise. Both these nutritious treats contain enough sodium to cure a pig, and since sodium leads to water retention, the rest is history. To add insult to injury, the birth control pill makes girls retain water too, and freshman girls get on the pill before their first 9 a.m. class since college boys can’t afford condoms with the price of bongs going up. Lack of sleep also contributes to weight gain, and freshmen do a lot of late-night cramming. Oh, and they study late at night too. Add to that the two weeks of binge eating freshman girls do after their "soulmate" is caught banging someone else on their dorm floor, and they're lucky the 15 doesn't turn into 50.

What cracks me up is how freshman girls eat crap all day and night, drink three gallons of beer on the weekend, and then wonder how the Freshman 15 showed up. Girls, I know you're exercising, but empty, meaningless sex burns fewer calories than you think. One word of advice: if you don't want to gain the weight, wise up! Instead of peanut butter, eat celery. Instead of pizza, eat fruit salad. And when you plan on drinking, give plasma. That way, you'll get black-out drunk by drinking half as much beer. See how easy it is to make healthy choices? If I can do it, so can you!


Blogger Meika said...

Hell, I managed to gain a post-college 15. I'm still working on it. You are f'n hilarious.

March 11, 2009 at 1:43 PM 
Blogger Stephiebeth said...

As I finally complete my 8th year of undergraduate education I thought it only be appropriate to leave a comment to your fabulous thought. These are just a few life lessons I've learned over the past decade...

1. My personal favorite: 2 Motrin 800's before a night out will get you drunk faster and lower the calorie intake. So you may have a shrivled liver before you are 30, its not too big of a deal, a little blood in the urine never hurt anyone!

2. Sperm has protein (and calories). It just gives a whole new meaning to "lunch date"

3. Probably the most important is never give your real name and try to leave before the sun comes out eliminating any possible "walk of shame" situations... Running home like a vampiress avoiding the sunlight will also help burn the excess calories of the previous evening's debauchery

If I knew at 18 what I now know at 25, I probably wouldnt be a 25 year old undergraduate!

March 11, 2009 at 7:59 PM 
Blogger robert said...

Lisa, this isn't related to this story, but tonight I just got done watching the roast you hosted. I was shocked to see that inbred retard, not larry, but, the guy who opened for larry, make fun of you! And that whole ivory joke, what the fuck, who does he think HE is? He looks like a mongoloid, and I don't mean the Asian race.

March 15, 2009 at 8:37 PM 
Blogger Kim said...

Hysterical! Definitely happened to me as well! Loved your roast of Larry The Cable Guy.

March 18, 2009 at 2:17 PM 
Blogger Brent said...

yeah when i was in school we used to pal up wth fat girls. i mean other than the obvious easy blow job - or whatever really we pulled a train on a few! they would pay for the booze in their crappy little apt's they had & feed your hungry ass. i mean 'walk of shame was more like run of shame with a huge fried chicken leg dangling out of my mouth & a 2 liter of savemore brand cola in my hand at 4am - god, chicken sounds good right now.
but hey lisa, I have this fantasy of peeing on you. im not black & my penis isnt really really big, but Id love to pee on you - if your down Ill buy the six pack & you pay for the room my Queen.

March 18, 2009 at 9:20 PM 
Blogger Linda said...

Gosh, Lisa, I think you've stumbled upon a great book idea -- a compilation of practical advice for freshman college girls! Don't you wish someone had handed you a book that told you stuff you'd really need to know? Weight gain, binge drinking, sleeping with idiots, passing tests when you haven't studied, etc.

March 20, 2009 at 8:19 AM 
Blogger Debbie Madden said...

I have to say love you and every thing you have done. This blog had me laughing my ass off (and thats a lotta ass). I just graduated and most of this oh so very true... except you could subtract the men and birth control.. cuz I'm a lesbian, I am birth control. :)I hope to see more from you soon.

January 7, 2010 at 10:27 PM 

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