Lisa’s Weekly Random Thought
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Hi Loyal Subjects! This week is Spring Break, and my thoughts went once again back to my college days, and the most significant event of my freshman year: The Freshman 15. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read on. And if you do, read anyway.
Contrary to popular belief, the Freshman 15 is not the amount of dicks a girl has to suck to get into a sorority. The Freshman 15 is the 15 pounds of fat a coed puts on her ass and thighs during her first year of college.
This Freshman 15 is caused by the student's biological inability to process alcohol by the gallon, and by her steady diet of crap. Considering that the healthiest foods in college are Hot Pockets and Ramen noodles, the weight gain is no surprise. Both these nutritious treats contain enough sodium to cure a pig, and since sodium leads to water retention, the rest is history. To add insult to injury, the birth control pill makes girls retain water too, and freshman girls get on the pill before their first 9 a.m. class since college boys can’t afford condoms with the price of bongs going up. Lack of sleep also contributes to weight gain, and freshmen do a lot of late-night cramming. Oh, and they study late at night too. Add to that the two weeks of binge eating freshman girls do after their "soulmate" is caught banging someone else on their dorm floor, and they're lucky the 15 doesn't turn into 50.
What cracks me up is how freshman girls eat crap all day and night, drink three gallons of beer on the weekend, and then wonder how the Freshman 15 showed up. Girls, I know you're exercising, but empty, meaningless sex burns fewer calories than you think. One word of advice: if you don't want to gain the weight, wise up! Instead of peanut butter, eat celery. Instead of pizza, eat fruit salad. And when you plan on drinking, give plasma. That way, you'll get black-out drunk by drinking half as much beer. See how easy it is to make healthy choices? If I can do it, so can you!